For a really long time I've struggled with the feeling of loneliness.

I grew up in Rexdale, Toronto. I went to a junior middle school that collected students from kindergarten to grade 8. My parents didn't let me leave the house to play with other kids because of safety concerns. I grew up inside of my room, playing video games and watching anime.

At school, I didn't fit in with any of the other children. I still can't really pinpoint why to be honest. Some of it probably had to do with the fact that I was visibly and ethnically different. Some of it had to do with the fact that I wasn't interested in the same activities that the other kids were. Some of it had to do with the fact that I was just easy to ostracize and bully as someone with a smaller stature and timid demeanor. When I see this behaviour in children nowadays, the sentiment that rings loudly in my head is that "kids can be really stupid". I don't hold anything against anyone. I believe we were all victims of more broader systemic issues and we did what we could with what we had. I forgave my bullies a long time ago. Sometimes I wonder how they're doing now.

I had thoughts of suicide when I was in grade 6. I shared this with my guidance counsellor at the time and my life changed pretty quickly. I took a gifted test. I skipped grade 7. I was dropped into a grade 8 class half way through the school year. I skipped half of my remaining classes to attend counselling sessions. I graduated and went to a high-school with a robotics program.

High-school was interesting, because I was actively battling between this feeling of isolation and loneliness but also recognizing that I was doing the battle at the same time. I began to develop some self-awareness that "oh, I'm really sad because I can't resonate with anyone". I began making attempts at connecting with my peers, even if it meant participating in activities, language & humour, and other things that I didn't particularly align with. I was making an effort to fit in.

I went into accounting and finance not because I cared for it, but because it was practically sound. I began carrying the weight of responsibility and burden of having to financially assist my mom who was working several jobs to keep us afloat. I thought that the accounting industry would be a safe route to achieve this. I was correct, but I hadn't fully realized that there was more to life than simply trying to survive. Looking back, I feel pretty silly for making this decision. Incredibly narrow-minded of me to limit myself and lower the ceiling in terms of what I could do because of an external circumstance. I wish I had known better.

And as you can imagine, going throughout my undergrad, I also felt this resounding feeling of loneliness. I was surrounded by a bunch of kind, intelligent, and amazing people. But somehow, I still felt that I wasn't truly fulfilling myself. A part of me deduced that the students I was in close proximity to were just playing games that I personally wasn't interested in. But I didn't really know what to do about that. I also didn't even really know what game I personally wanted to play. I was just concerned with surviving.

Figuring out that I didn't enjoy accounting was pretty easy to do. I did two internships in which I sat in a cubicle with excel on one monitor and TaxPrep on the other. In between those internships, I failed an intermediate accounting course in my second year. This data allowed me to conclude that "accounting probably isn't for me".

And so I began pivoting. Technical writing. Project management. Product management. Consulting. I experimented with a variety of roles, trying to leverage whatever experience and transferable skills I had. Trying things to see what stuck. Never really strongly identifying with any role or any team.

Belonging was always a tough spot to find.

I quit my job in 2022 and decided to take some time off. An indefinite amount of time. I wasn't sure what I was going to do with this time exactly, I just knew that I couldn't thrive in the environment that I was in. I wanted space to breathe.

In what ended up being an entire year, I discovered climbing. I began going to the bouldering gym everyday. I met some great people that encouraged me to express myself creatively and explore different mediums. I started hosting co-working sessions and events out of my apartment. I posted monthly accountability tweets and shared my progress publicly. I met this guy named internetVin.

What I'm about to say will sound incredibly stupid and obvious - but I think it's worth saying because it genuinely helped me.

It's selfish, but I care a lot about community because it's something I desperately needed myself. I found belonging when I started doing the things I truly enjoyed, and spending time with people that I truly loved.

Keep going.